"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
"We are alone, absolutely alone on this chance planet: and, amid all the forms of life that surround us, not one, excepting the dog, has made an alliance with us."
"My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there."
Charles F. Kettering
"If I had the choice of educating a boy or a girl, I would educate the girl. If you educate a boy, you educate one, but if you educate a girl, you educate a generation."
US religious leader
"A pretty girl is better than a plain one
A leg is better than an arm
A bedroom is better than a living room
An arrival is better that a departure
A birth is better than a death
A chase is better than a chat
A dog is better than a landscape
A kitten is better than a dog
A baby is better than a kitten
A kiss is better than a baby
A pratfall is better than anything."
("The Great McGinty")
, golden rules for successful comedy
"Why am I running for president? Well, my wife, Cindy, says it is because I sustained several severe blows to the head in prison camp."
US Senator, Representative (AZ), presidential nominee (2008), and Navy pilot
(died near his birthday)
"I was changing a light bulb over Groucho Marx's bed, so I took my shoes off, got on his bed and changed the bulb. When I got off the bed he said: 'That's the best acting you've ever done.'"
(was married to Barbra Streisand)
"You don't get ulcers from what you eat. You get them from what's eating you."
"There was a professor named Sprie
Who lectured each Tuesday at three
If nobody came
He talked just the same
And observed his own feedback with glee"
US speech therapist
"The roads of life are strewn with the wreckage of run-down and half-finished loves."
Ralph W. Sockman
US religious person
("Now to Live!")
"I'm not so funny. Gilda was funny. I'm funny on camera sometimes. In life, once in a while. Once in a while. But she was funny. She spent more time worrying about being liked than anything else."
(was married to Gilda Radner)