"Sir, you have tasted two whole worms; you have hissed all my mystery lectures and been caught fighting a liar in the quad, you will leave Oxford by the next town drain."
Rev. William A. Spooner
English religious lesdyxic
"If you could say it in words there would be no reason to paint."
"Man hoards himself when he has nothing to give away."
("The Flea of Sodom. The Sorrows of Priapus")
"Everyone knows that a man can always marry even if he reaches 102, is penniless, and has all his faculties gone. There is always some woman willing to take a chance on him."
US etiquette maven
("Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Book of Etiquette")
"The wind doesn't bother me. I'm in the U. S. Senate."
US senator (KS), presidential candidate
Illustration by Zach Trenholm
"I train religiously."
Sister Madonna Buder
US nun and triathlete
, on how she manages to stay fit at 70
"I don't gamble, because winning a hundred dollars doesn't give me great pleasure. But losing a hundred dollars pisses me off."
Canadian Jeopardy host
"Being a screenwriter in Hollywood is like being a eunuch at an orgy. Worse, actually, at least the eunuch is allowed to watch."
US actor, writer (SNL)
("Defending Your Life")
"Latins for Republicans. It's like roaches for Raid."
Colombian comic, actor
"I've tried writing. Two days later I'd go visit it and say, Jesus Christ, who wrote this crap?"
US policeman, actor